Performance coach Tony Robbins says that the quality of our lives depends on the state we live in every moment of every day. That state, whether we’re happy, sad, frustrated or excited, depends on three things:
Our physiology — the way we move our bodies, the way we breathe and what we do with our face.
Our language — the words we use, whether spoken out loud or inside our own head, to describe our experiences.
What we focus on — the things we see versus the things we block out or fail to notice.
Today, I want to zone in on that final piece, because what we focus on is key, and it will in turn affect the way you move your body and hold yourself, and the language you use. I see this play out so much around me in general, and in the writing community in particular.
At any given time, the things we focus on determine how we feel and what we make of a situation. And what we focus on, in turn, is governed by the questions we ask ourselves every moment of every day.
Take your writing journey for instance:
If someone leaves you a negative review, do you ask yourself whether this means you’re a failure and your work is a failure? Do you ask yourself how dare that person belittle your work with a bad review? Or do you ask yourself what you can learn from this? Could you ask yourself how good it is that this person was honest in their feedback, so that readers with similar tastes won’t buy your book—and therefore not spend money on a read they might otherwise dislike and rate negatively too?
See how different questions illicit different points of focus, and trigger different states? Some are more conducive to a positive mindset, whereas others tend to nurture frustration.
‘Why’ Questions: The Endless Loop.
When we ask lousy questions, we get lousy answers. This is because our brain has a tendency to take any request we give it and process it, regardless of whether or not it’s good for us. It will scour through the recesses of our mind and go on and on until it finds an answer.
‘Why’ questions are the worst, because there’s often no clear answer, or more than one possible answer to them, and it sends our mind on a chase to find as many possible reasons, often going around in circles and leaving us ruminating.
Take our example again: What if you asked yourself ‘why is this person leaving me a bad review?’
Now unleash your brain on that one, and let it roll with it—you may get:
Because they didn’t like the book.
Because my book is terrible.
And if my book is terrible, then that makes me a terrible writer.
Maybe I should just stop writing.
Who was I to think I could do this?
I’m clearly not good enough.
Or maybe they left a bad review because they’re an idiot and didn’t get the brilliance of my work.
Clearly they’re a moron.
Maybe I should track them down and tell them just that.
Maybe I should rally everyone I know on Instagram to shame that dimwit for leaving that review.
…
… this can go on, until it loops back to the top and starts again. Sounds familiar?
What kind of state do you think you’d be in from obsessing over those disempowering, angering questions, never able to get closure because the loop has no logical end?
Empowering Alternatives.
My own experience of asking myself lousy questions, and my interactions with others within the writing community, have left me convinced that writers need to start asking themselves more empowering questions.
Because the way we tend to ask questions to ourselves are those that breed anger, and resentment, and self doubt—and ultimately bring us back to two fears that sit at the root of it all: the fear that we’re not good enough, and the fear that we won’t be loved (or appreciated, or liked). These fears can be crippling. And that can’t be good for anyone’s art anywhere.
I’m writing this today to give you some more empowering alternatives. I have used some of these along my journey and they have helped me to improve.
Here are four examples:
#1 — gearing up for success:
Instead of: ‘Why are other writers so much more successful than I am?’
Ask yourself: ‘What can I learn from other writers to become more successful myself?’
We know we shouldn’t fall into the trap of comparing ourselves with others, but it’s easier said than done.
If you see fellow writers thriving with their writing, their social media strategy or their exposure, try to ascertain what they are doing that is working for them and from that, find what works for you.
Better even, reach out to people and ask them for advice—most people will be more than happy to share, and it’s a great way to build a network!
#2 — boosting sales:
Instead of: ‘Why am I not selling books?’
Ask yourself: ‘What can I do to increase my book sales?’
It can be discouraging to have published something, and to see your sales figures stalling. If you start wallowing in self pity through disempowering ‘why’ questions, you’re bound to start spiralling.
Instead, make a list of what you could do to help your sales along.
Here are some ideas that come to mind:
Seek out book clubs and put your book on their radar. See if they’d been interested in reading your book and having you for an author Q&A when they’re done reading the book.
Look into running promotions on Amazon (like discounted eBooks).
Go local! Reach out to your local community and spread the word (cafes, local bookshops and libraries, local Facebook groups and communities etc.) and give them a chance to support a local.
Contact your old school or university and enquire about showcasing you and your book as an alumni success story.
Build genuine connections with fellow writers, avid readers and book bloggers. These relationships are a fantastic way to increase your reach and spreading the word about your book—and as a result, improve sales.
Offer to do a read and review swap with a fellow author, where you read and review each other’s book.
And so on.
If you start asking your brain to think outside the box, it’ll do just that!
#3 — the writer’s life:
Instead of: ‘Why can’t I be a full-time writer and have financial security from writing?’
Ask yourself: 'How is my present occupation helping my writing?’
…And then ask: 'What can I do to increase my revenue from writing?’
This is one topic that’s been crossing my mind a lot, and I suspect many of us out there have pondered it at one point or another. If asked the wrong way, this question can push us into a frustrated state.
I don’t write full-time at present, and I have had my moments of daydreaming hours away, wishing I could live off my craft. That never led to anything very productive.
What I have found helpful however has been to focus on what my day job enables me to do with my writing:
It takes away the pressure of earning a full income from writing.
It gives me time to write and experiment with my craft in different forms.
It enables me to look into ways to monetise my writing at my own pace.
And that’s made for much more exciting trains of thought!
#4 — social media guru:
Instead of: ‘Why can’t I manage to grow my Instagram reach?’ Or ‘why is social media sapping my energy?’
Ask yourself: ‘What can I do to create a healthier balance when it comes to promotion efforts?’
Social media is a tricky one. It has incredible benefits if leveraged the right way, and it’s an amazing tool to get yourself and your work out there.
But it can also be a drain, because the mechanisms of social media are built on the principle of addiction. It’s literally designed to suck you in and make you crave more, and fear that you’re missing out and not doing enough.
To avoid falling into that vicious circle, I’ve found it much healthier to ask myself how I can find the right balance to achieve what I want with my social media presence whilst also keeping my sanity. What this ends up being will look different for different people. If you’re unsure where to start, think about what you find challenging about maintaining your social media account, then what you find helps with your peace of mind, and try to find a middle ground somewhere in between that meets your needs.
Ask and thou shalt get.
I’m a firm believer in our ability to manifest our reality—at least to some extent. If you focus on all the wrong things, then your reality will look challenging and bleak.
If you train yourself to look for constructive ways forward and to get yourself excited about making the journey smoother for yourself, then finding that sweet spot that works for you can be a fascinating journey.
And that all starts with asking the right questions and finding the right point of focus. Writing can be a wonderful, yet at times confusing and challenging journey. So do yourself a favour: where possible, take away those mind blocks that stand in your way!
Image credits: Cathryn Lavery
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